WinChill Factor: Fashion Freak Steve Spurrier Must Be Beaten

“It’s a process…it’s a process… it’s a process…” – Brad Pitt as Billy Beane (Moneyball)

Remember last year?  Remember watching a proud program slowly fall apart?  Play by play, series by series, game by game.  Remember how bad we felt for the seniors?  Remember that gnawing, soul-sucking feeling in your gut as you tried to understand how it all went so bad.

Remember saying to your son, “It’ll be OK, Timmy. It’ll be OK”?

Remember that your son’s name is Evan?

Now, a year later, remember the first quarter of the Florida game?  The second half of the Texas A&M game?  The sacks, catches, runs and flashes of power where the Hogs once again imposed their will upon the opponent, even if only for a series or a bone-crushing play?  The Budda?!  The Beast?!

It’s a process…it’s a process…it’s a process.  

This is not a program that is falling apart.  No, WinChillers, this is a program coming together.  It won’t happen overnight.  We get that.  We know that it takes sweat, dedication, discipline, desire, effort…and time.

And most people can see it happening (let’s be real, there will always be a small percentage of the populous who will stand in front of the microwave shouting “Hurry!” at a slowly rotating Hot Pocket).  But, for the most part…we can see progress on every front.

Sure, we want to win every game.  After all, we’re only human (or, in my case, just the most awesome polyester product since the outfit Princess Leia wore courtesy of Jabba the Hut; which was a get-up that was never, ever explained; then again, I don’t recall a lot of questioning around that…just unbridled acceptance.  You people are freaks.  Whatever.).  But we understand that oftentimes – although not necessarily in the moment – we can look back and see that the journey itself was as sweet as the destination.

WinChillers, we are on a journey to be savored.  If you don’t believe me, ask any fan of the 5-0 Kansas City Chiefs how’re they’re doing these days.  Let’s enjoy the ride together and once again have a large and LOUD time on the Hill this Saturday.

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Speaking of freaks…

Those of you who know me know where this is headed.  But this is an abomination against nature, plus 1.  And no, I’m not talking about the mascot of our upcoming opponent.  I would never make fun of that…publicly.  After all, we are brothers-in-arms with USC.  We came into the SEC together and will always be viewed with suspicion by the old SEC-hardliners.  In other words, we are to the SEC what Romania and Albania were to the U.S.S.R.  Mere afterthoughts to Moscow (a/k/a Tuscaloosa).

Instead, my sights are squarely set on ye olde Ball Coach.

First off…my gosh, he wears a sweater vest!  A SWEATER VEST!!!  On top of that (see Pun, Intended), he wears a visor!  A VISOR!!!

What is with this guy?!?  Here we have a known, well-documented mutilator of clothing, yet this madman is free to roam the sidelines and serve as a role model and leader of young men?  I mean, I’m all for freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of blah blah blah.  But this…is…so…savage!

Sometimes, I really don’t understand y’all.  I mean, the human race can be so warm, loving and caring (particularly the nurturing and ridiculously hip folks at Nike^® who were so supportive during my formative months, especially in making sure I received daily doses of Bob Dylan, the Stones, Johnny Cash, Pearl Jam, Citizen Cope, the Clash, Ray Charles, the Talking Heads, George Jones and, of course, Katy Perry – yeah, like you don’t listen to her early stuff…puh-lease!!).

Then – there’s Spurrier.  Whatzamatta, there Ball Coach?  Can’t handle the top of a cap?  Then by golly, cut it off!!  Let’s not inconvenience you in any way by possibly suppressing your every thought!  Awwww, are those sleeves too much for you?  Too confining?  Then just rip them off!  Go right ahead!!  After all, this is ‘Merica and you’re a Heisman Trophy winner so you can just do-what-ever-you-want-apparently!!!

Madness.

This is actually one of the few times I don’t blame the sweater vests.  After all, they know not what they do because, well…they’re stupid.  I mean it.  They are literally stupid.  Let’s put it this way:  Sweater vests wouldn’t hesitate for one second to green-light a 2014 reboot of the “Revenge of the Nerds” movies (when everyone knows the earliest that can successfully happen is 2016).

No, I put all of this on Spurrier and his seemingly unquenchable thirst to destroy and dismember clothing to suit his own perverse tastes.  He must be stopped.  And we’re just the guys to do it.

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So, on to this week’s WinChill Factor:  The D-line, including our most excellent Defensive Ends.  Pressure on USC QB Connor Shaw (sorry…CONNOR???) should ensure a couple of picks.  They have been on the cusp of a break-out performance.  Now is the time.  This is our week.

Our opportunity.

Our Razorbacks!

Until next week, Fear the Sleeves (‘cause we have some; I’m looking at you, Ball Coach).

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Coach Bielema’s Windbreaker made its physical presence known on August 31, 2013.  It is chock full of Razorback spirit, has an unhealthy hatred of sweater vests and fears nothing (other than a hot iron on the “Cotton/Linen” setting).  As game days approach, the Windbreaker can be found interacting with the Razorback faithful on Twitter (@BielWindbreaker).

At times, the Windbreaker associates with Shayne Smith, a lifelong resident of central Arkansas who has been known to begin sentences with “Notwithstanding the foregoing….”