Winchill Factor: The Official 2015 Razorback Football Forecast

 

THE WINDBREAKER’S OFFICIAL (ALBEIT BIASED)

2015 RAZORBACK FOOTBALL FORECAST

It’s upon us, folks.  The 2015 football season.  Finally.  And with that, comes all of the predictions from all of the experts.  But this is no mere win/loss record prediction.  This is polyester prognostication at its finest:  Actual analysis, WinChillers!  Some of it based on established facts!!  And some, admittedly, made up on the spot.

Before I get started, please note that this 2015 Preseason Forecast is sponsored by soap.  Kids love it.  Parents love it, too.

Soap. 

Now, on with the forecast.

The 2015 campaign shapes up as follows:

September 5:  University of Texas El Paso (UTEP) at Fayetteville

September 12: University of Toledo at Little Rock

September 19: Texas Tech University at Fayetteville

September 26: Texas A&M at Arlington, TX

October 3: University of Tennessee at Knoxville, TN

October 10: University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa, AL

October 17: Bye Week

October 24: Auburn University at Fayetteville

October 31: UT-Martin at Fayetteville

November 7: University of Mississippi (a/k/a Ole Miss) at Oxford, MS

November 14: Louisiana State University at Baton Rouge, LA

November 21: Mississippi State University at Fayetteville

November 27: University of Missouri at Fayetteville

December 5: SEC Championship in Atlanta, GA

 

UTEP Miners

While I have serious doubts that UTEP alumni Sam Donaldson, Tim Hardaway, Ed Hochuli or Bob Beamon will be attending the game on the Hill, there is one alum of UTEP that I strongly suspect will be in attendance:  Nolan Richardson.  So, respect must be paid.  Plus, their mascot’s name is Paydirt Pete – that’s kinda cool.  Regardless, UTEP will collect a nice paycheck while the Hogs start off 1-0.

WinChill Forecast: UTEP   6 Razorbacks  47

 

Toledo Rockets

The Rockets are typically competitive in venerable War Memorial Stadium, with a stingy defense and a well-balanced offense.  Of course, I’m speaking of the LR Catholic High Rockets.  As for the Toledo Rockets, well, I’m a little thin on knowledge.  So, courtesy of your Wikipedia, here are a few fun facts: 

  1. Toledo’s first game in 1917 resulted in a 145-0 loss against the University of Detroit.
  2. You read that right.  One hundred, forty-five…to zero.
  3. Their mascot is Rocketman Rocky – who must be “fun, committed, good with children, spirited, crazy, and able to communicate through non-verbal methods.”
  4. This is, somewhat surprisingly, the same criteria they use to hire incoming Chemistry professors.
  5. Toledo Rocket home games are played at Glass Bowl Stadium (there are simply too many jokes to make about this and space is limited).

WinChill Forecast: Toledo   0 Razorbacks  45

 

Texas Tech Red Raiders

Okay, so, I’m comfortable enough with my manhood to acknowledge that the TTU coach is a fairly decent looking guy.  Fine.  Whatever (and it’s what’s inside that counts, am-I-right-ladies?).  Still, I think it best to recall the words of a certain Greek fabulist from long ago.  For it was Aesop who said “We should look to the mind, and not to the outward appearance.”  I certainly don’t mind that Coach B’s mind is all about winning the war in the trenches and asserting our dominance in every aspect of the game.  But stylin’ in a slick-looking windbreaker doesn’t hurt (am-I-right-again-ladies?).  Hogs will be 3-0 (and 1-0 in the Southwest Conference for all of us old-timers).

WinChill Forecast: Texas Tech  10     Razorbacks  49

 

Texas A&M Aggies

PAYBACK TIME!!!  But first, why can’t Aggie farmers raise chickens?  They plant the eggs too deep.  (Bah-dah-BOOM!).  We put it all together for a complete, essentially mistake-free game and leave Arlington undefeated in the SEC (and the SWC for anyone stuck in 1972).

WinChill Forecast: TA&M 13 Razorbacks 52

 

Tennessee Volunteers

Here’s the first real test of the year.  Which team – both of whom improved dramatically in 2014 – will begin the rise to the next level of dominance in the SEC?  Arkansas, of course.  But make no mistake, this will be a tough match-up between two coaches and programs who clearly respect one another.  Playing Florida the week before may leave Tennessee vulnerable and somewhat beaten up.  As such, we are going to run, run, run and run some more – much like they run that stupid “Rocky Top” song into the ground.  Hogs will be 5-0 and solidly ranked.

WinChill Forecast: UT  19       Razorbacks  38

 

Alabama Crimson Tide

Looks, let’s be honest.  Alabama is good.  Ridiculously good.  Even more so at home.  They have a 7-game winning streak against Arkansas, highlighted by a 52-0 walloping of the Hogs in 2012.  They have 14 national championships and a big ole Muppetish Elephant roaming the sidelines.  But they are untested at QB heading into this season.  We’re not.  This is the game that Brandon Allen wills us to win.  BA will shake off the “game manager” moniker and aggressively lead the Hogs to a hard fought victory.  The only downside is that, with the win, Lee Corso – sadly and ominously – becomes somewhat aware of the Hogs.

WinChill Forecast: Alabama  27       Razorbacks  31

 

Bye Week

Surely you didn’t think I’d have us at anything less than 6-0 at the Bye Week.

 

Auburn Tigers

Remember Anthony Swain?  Come on…you remember the Auburn linebacker from the 2013 game in Fayetteville who didn’t realize he was almost fatally injured in the Red Zone until about 10 seconds after a play ended with the Hogs driving for a score.  Yeah, HIM.  Mr. I-Forgot-I-Was-Supposed-To-Fall-Down-Until-Just-Before-The-Next-Play-Guy.  While I was looking forward to seeing what shenanigans he was going to pull this time in Fayetteville, it looks like I won’t get the chance to opine on his acting abilities.  He’s since transferred to Southern Miss (which, as we all know, has a nationwide reputation for turning out some of the finest Shakespearean actors in all of Hattiesburg, Mississippi).  Too bad.  He’s going to miss a remarkable tail-kicking exhibition by the Razorback offense, defense and special teams – after all, this one is starting to get personal.  Not to mention the best half-time show yet will be performed by your Razorback Marching Band!  Hogs are now 7-0 and Nike® is noticing that nationwide sales of windbreakers are going sky high.

WinChill Forecast: Auburn  20       Razorbacks  56

 

UT-Martin

Happy Halloween, Skyhawks!  If that’s your real name.  I didn’t double-check and, to be frank, I don’t really care.  But I will recall for you the words of Oscar Wilde who said “Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot.  In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.”  So, there’s that to ponder on the way back to Martin after a soul-crushing defeat.  Hogs are 8-0.

WinChill Forecast: UT-Martin   0       Razorbacks  62

 

Ole Miss Rebels Bears Whatever

Hotty Toddy, gosh almighty, who the heck is Ole Miss?  That’s the team the Hogs are gonna shut out for the second year in a row.  Just because we can.  So, flim flam, bim bam all you want in the Grove (which, admittedly, is spectacular) while we laugh about you and your mascot identity crisis all the way back to the Hill.  Nine and Oh, folks!

WinChill Forecast: Ole Miss   0       Razorbacks  34

 

LSU Tigers

This one…will be nasty.  Unlike the genteel, beautiful people in Oxford, the good folk of southern Lousy-anna ain’t known for their hospitality.  Nothing about that will change any time soon and a double overtime game in the Bayou will leave everyone exhausted.  Get out your car keys and run (don’t walk and for Heaven’s sake do NOT make eye contact with anyone in purple and/or gold!) to the RV after this one as the Hogs pull off a stunning and well-earned win – courtesy of the offensive and defensive line play.  It’s the 10-0 team of destiny, WinChillers!  

WinChill Forecast: LSU   45       Razorbacks  51   (2 OTs)

 

MSU Bulldogs

Yet another brutal game in the SEC West.  The Bulldogs are also a team on the rise and this game will be another instant classic between two highly ranked teams.  Thank goodness we’re at home as the Razorback Faithful will turn out in record numbers – regardless of the weather – and will be standing the whole time rooting on our Hogs.  More cowbell?  I think not.

WinChill Forecast: MSU   24       Razorbacks  35

 

Mizzou Tigers

It’s the team of destiny, WinChillers!  This is another game of redemption and here’s a prediction of a conversation that will take place at the end of the 3rd quarter between Coach Bielema and Brandon Allen:

Coach B: Great game, BA!  We’re going to sit you for the 4th quarter and let you rest.  Congrats for hanging 51 on them.

B. Allen: (Stares intently into Coach B’s eyes for 7 seconds)

Coach B: Aw [censored], go get’em, BA!

Brandon Allen then goes on to throw his fifth touchdown pass of the game.  Hogs are a perfect 12-0 and are on their way to the SEC Championship Game in A-Town!

WinChill Forecast: Mizzou   14       Razorbacks  58

 

Some Team from the SEC East

We didn’t come this far to lose.  So, we’ll just win it and for reasons that will be evident after the final gun, the entire offensive line will be named MVP of the game.  But while we’re all here, let me get on my soapbox (Note:  Obligatory Sponsor Reference completed) and say my peace about the location of the game.  Look, I’m fine with it being in Atlanta…every other year.  Nothing against the Big Peach, but where’s the love for the SEC West fans?  Wouldn’t it make infinitely more sense to have it in Atlanta in odd number years and New Orleans (a city still recovering from the devastating effects of Katrina) in even number years?  Regardless, the Hogs will be 13-0 and heading to the Playoffs!

WinChill Forecast: Whoever   24       Razorbacks  42

 

SUMMARY

I believe the words of Mr. T. – as jocular Clubber Lang in Rocky III – most accurately capture the gist of what this 2015 Football Forecast projects Arkansas to deliver to its peers this season.  When asked about his prediction for his upcoming fight with Rocky Balboa, he paused, then slowly sneered one word to the camera:  Pain.

_______________________________________

This season’s WinChill Factor is none other than Coach Bielema and his amazing coaching staff.  A special nod also goes to Athletic Director Jeff Long for enabling Coach to put together and retain an incredible stable of assistant coaches and support personnel – all of whom work tirelessly to help our guys represent Arkansas to the best of their abilities.  Buckle up, WinChillers, as this is going to be quite a memorable year.  So much so that it’s best to go ahead and order your Nike windbreakers early.  Unlike Razorback Spirit, quantities are limited.

As always, Fear the Sleeves.

* * *  

Coach Bielema’s Windbreaker made its physical presence known on August 31, 2013.  It is chock full of Razorback spirit, has an unhealthy hatred of sweater vests and fears nothing (other than a hot iron on the “Cotton/Linen” setting).  As game days approach, the Windbreaker can be found interacting with the Razorback faithful on the Twitter (@BielWindbreaker).

2015 razorback football forecast

Tags: ,