Kane Webb: What Kind of Hog Fan Are You?


Take the test.

Quiet! Take your seats. Pencils sharpened? Good. You there, in the back. No gum chewing.

You’ll have exactly as much time as you need to finish this exam. It’s multiple choice. Grades are final. And there’s no such thing as extra credit — no, not even if you stayed for the entire Razorback game Saturday at War Memorial Stadium. (But, seriously, all of it? Surely there was a Matlock marathon somewhere on cable.)

Good luck Hog fans. You may start … now.

 * * *

1. Now sitting at 3-4 with a winnable non-conference opponent up next — Hello, Alabama-Birmingham, and isn’t it good to see you? — the Hogs will finish the season:

(a) 8-4 heading into the Cotton Bowl and on a tear!

(b) 6-6 thanks to a win over UAB this Saturday and, uh … hmmm … so they don’t have another nonconference opponent left? Are you sure?

(c) 4-8. I’m a realist.

(d) didn’t they pretty much end this season on Saturday?


2. Arkansas first looked to be in trouble against Georgia when:

(a) the Hogs’ extra-point attempt was blocked after they scored their first touchdown.

(b) the Bulldogs lost Todd (Heisman Trophy frontrunner) Gurley for signing his name too much and freshman running back Nick Chubb rushed for approximately 1,934 yards in a 34-0 victory over Missouri the week before the Hog game.

(c) the Bulldogs’ first offensive drive rekindled memories of Miami in War Memorial Stadium c. 1987 — five plays, 74 yards, zero problems.

(d) the final second ticked off the War Memorial clock, which, per tradition, malfunctioned for part of the game.


3. All Bret Bielema needs to turn this thing around is:

(a) Gus Malzahn as offensive coordinator.

(b) another solid recruiting class or two with emphasis on wide receivers and linebackers.

(c) the next Springdale Five.

(d) admission back into the Big 10.


4. The biggest sign of the apocalypse so far this fall is:

(a) the outbreak of the Ebola virus.

(b) that both Mississippi schools are undefeated and ranked in the top 3.

(c) that both Mississippi schools are undefeated and ranked in the top 3.

(d) that both Mississippi schools are undefeated and ranked in the top 3.


5. Arkansas’ suddenly anemic running game the past two games is due to:

(a) two great defenses in Alabama and Georgia.

(b) nothing new. It was overhyped to begin with because Texas Tech and Texas A&M play defense like the Washington Generals. (Google it.)

(c) other teams stacking the line of scrimmage and rotating fresh linemen all game long while the Hogs’ hogs up front wear down. Arkansas isn’t yet quite deep enough on the offensive line to play this style in this league.

(d) the SEC West.


6. At this point in the season, Bielema should:

(a) take the redshirt off Rafe Peavy and throw him in at quarterback because, by rule, any quarterback that isn’t playing at the moment is automatically the best one on the team and the second coming of Peyton Manning.

(b) switch to the Wishbone. It’s the next step in the Hogs’ offensive devolution.

(c) keep on keepin’ on. Saturday’s first half against Georgia was an anomaly, and the Hogs fight back to (almost) make a game of it. Bielema’s plan is working. Give it time.

(d) change Dan Skipper’s jersey number again, this time to 00. Just because.


7. In Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Auburn and Alabama, four of the top five teams in the AP poll are from the SEC. But how many SEC teams will end up in the four-team playoff?

(a) two. Ole Miss and Alabama, because Ole Miss is that good and Alabama is still Alabama.

(b) one. Mississippi State. The Bulldogs will run the table, and an Egg Bowl blitzing of Ole Miss late in the year will bump the Rebels from the bracket.

(c) three. Mississippi State, Alabama and … wait for it … Georgia. Yeah, went there.

(d) four. Any four. Doesn’t matter. The ol’ ball coach Steve Spurrier had it right when he said that winning the SEC is tougher than winning the national championship.


8. The Hogs’ next heartbreak is scheduled for:

(a) Mississippi State in Starkville, where the Razorback running game will click once again for 58 minutes until  … insert your most horrible scenario here. May we recommend a blocked punt inside the final minute?

(b) LSU. Sure, now the Tigers are suddenly getting good.

(c) Missouri. Oh, who are we kidding. Missouri has never broken another team’s heart. Mizzou is the Arkansas of the SEC East — a tease.

(d) some time next year. The rest of this season is relatively pain free, thanks to that 3-4 record and subsequent diminished expectations. Say, when does basketball start?


9. Despite the loss to Georgia, Arkansas remains:

(a) the best darn 3-4 team in the universe!

(b) snakebit.

(c) a work in progress. If you squint real hard, you can still see progress.

(d) two plays and four turnovers from being 6-1.


10. Wasn’t Korliss Marshall supposed to be the second coming of…

(a) Darren McFadden?

(b) Fred Talley?

(c) Cedric Cobbs?

(d) who?


11. The breakout Hog of the year who is also surprisingly fun to watch is…

(a) A.J. Derby.

(b) Dan Skipper.

(c) Martrell Spaight.

(d) that big, blow-up Razorback mascot that wanders the sidelines.


12. Those throwback uniforms the Hogs wore against Alabama made for a nice, sentimental gesture and nod to the 1964 national champions, but…

(a) But nothing! The Hogs should wear those babies every game.

(b) But nothing! The Hogs should wear those babies every game.

(c) But nothing! The Hogs should wear those babies every game.

(d) But nothing! The Hogs should wear those babies every game.


Answer key: 1-d, 2-b, 3-b, 4-b, c and d, 5-c and d, 6-c and d, 7-b, 8-d, 9-c, 10-d, 11-a and d, 12-a through d.

hog fans calling the hogs sunny day


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