It appears that we have dodged the big Mayan bullet, or arrowhead, or whatever their preferred instrument of death might have been, with the apparent non-ending of the planet.
While this is a bit of relief, the whole world not ending thing, as I have yet to even get my Christmas cards out, it has necessitated the rethinking of my Arkansas sporting bucket list. For the last few months, I’d just assumed that the ancient Indian prophecy was spot on and that I would be swallowed up into to the earth with memories of John L. Smith smiling us all the way to a 4-8 season.
However, since it looks like me, and hopefully all of us will be sticking around for a while longer, here a few things I’d like to see and do in the remainder my sporting life.
1. The Razorback basketball team return to national prominence. I’m not even asking for the heights that Nolan Richardson took them to in the 90s, because those days may never return. But a consistent sweet 16 team that folks don’t want to play in March would be nice.
2. The return of that gigantic motorized Razorback helmet, circa 1980, onto the field in the Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium. Veterans of Hog football remember this contraption, adorned with Hog kicker Steve Little’s number, and powered by what we can only assume was a reclaimed Volkswagen Beetle engine, as a pre-game staple. Let’s pull this thing out of moth balls and let me take it for a spin. If I happen to clip an Aggie yell leader in the process, all the sweeter.
3. Arkansas State not only bring back the Indian as mascot but also Running Joe—the cartoonish icon with the tomahawk and loin cloth. Everything comes back around, and hopefully, in 2035 or so, we won’t be so politically correct, and the Indian can emerge from mascot purgatory, along with Col. Reb, to ride again.
4. A prominent head coach in the state of Arkansas rock a great porn stash. Nolan Richardson had the soul patch and even a mustache for a while—although it was tiny and really more like a hair peninsula. Nelson Catalina, former ASU hoops coach, is the only guy who could own a mustache and pull it off with aplomb.
5. The Razorback football team make it to the national title game. Hey, it’s my list, so I can dream.
6. A televised poker game with former UAPB coach Archie “Gunslinger” Cooley, Frank Broyles, Eddie Sutton, Houston Nutt, and the re-animated corpse of Hugo Bezdek (hey, if I live long enough, who knows.) The first four would be invited to the game because they are all amazing characters and completely full of s#%*— so I know the banter would be spectacular. Hugo Bezdek is on the list not because he famously coined the name “Razorbacks,” but the no-nonsense black and white pics of this gruff looking Czech American suggest that at some point he would probably flip the table over, pull out a prison style shiv and duel Broyles over who was more influential in the history of the program. At least that’s how it goes down in my head.
7. The return of Coca-Cola to Razorback Stadium. It’s currently the only measurable where War Memorial Stadium has the edge over the Hogs’ Fayetteville home — excluding metric tons of asbestos.
8. One former Razorback to be a really successful NFL player. Matt Jones never panned out. Felix Jones is riding the bullet train to obscurity in Dallas, and Darren McFadden, one of the greatest Hogs ever, is withering in Oakland. Maybe if someone can spring Jeff Gillooly from the joint, he can administer some Tonya Harding style justice to Tom Brady, thus ensuring a Ryan Mallett forward pass during a meaningful regular season game in my lifetime.
This is my humble list. I hope they all happen, but I’d happily settle for just one. Tell me, what’s on your Arkansas sports bucket list, so we can compare notes?
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