What Sucky Sounds Like: The Official John L. Smith 2012 Breakup Mix Tape.

Every breakup, the good and the bad deserves a decent mix tape—or Spotification, or whatever digital compilation format that the kids are using now, to reflect upon or rejoice about one’s ex. So now that we’ve officially sent the Dear John letter to John L. Smith, here we go with the official Pork Shank Redemption playlist that encapsulates the brief, but oh so unforgettable fling with our erstwhile coach.

Note: Click the song title to go to the YouTube video of the song.

Born To Be Wild (Steppenwolf) – “Get your motor runnin’, head out on the highway, looking for adventure, or whatever comes our way.”  Well, what came our way was a ditch on the side of road, where Bobby Petrino, his mistress and his Razorback coaching career came to rest—opening the door for you know who.

Don’t Worry Be Happy (Bobby McFerrin) – This annoyingly sappy song seems downright depressing when compared to the oddly chipper demeanor of John L. Smith’s press conference following the defeat at the hands of ULM.  “Smile, everyone. Don’t act like this was one of the most embarrassing losses in program history or something. For Pete’s sake, you act like I made this university the laughing stock of the nation and undid three years of success, costing us millions in revenue and an incalculable amount of credibility. Turn that frown upside down or I’ll come over there and hug the stuffin’ out of you ya’ little rascal. Shucks. This is fun.”

As if we already didn’t have a clue that Uncle John L. was a little imbalanced, this was the creepy episode that confirmed he should have never been invited to the family reunion in the first place.

I Wanna Be Sedated (Ramones) In back to back pummelings at the hands of A & M and Bama, the Hog defense played as though they were hydrating with Demerol instead of Gatorade. As our guys sat numbly there watching the Crimson Tide and Aggies rack up over 100 cumulative points, I feel confident that an apprentice butcher could have surgically attached defensive end Tank Wright’s Torso to DB Darius Winston’s lower body with little or no discomfort for either.

Whiskey River (Willie Nelson) – Tyler Wilson returned from injury and we still sucked—losing to Rutgers. Maybe your average SEC fan doesn’t realize that Rutgers is located in friggin’ New Jersey. We lost to a team from New Jersey!  In football!  If you were already self-medicating, this one probably necessitated putting down the Pinot Noir and picking up the Maker’s Mark.

99 Problems (Jay-Z) Okay, so 99 problems is probably on the conservative side. Arkansas managed to beat two abysmal teams in Auburn and Kentucky, but after a loss to Ole Miss, the Razorback Football team became a dumpster fire of such white hot intensity that I’m sure plumes of smoke were visible from satellite photos.

Pass The Mic (Beastie Boys) Partly because the Beastie Boys belong on any reputable mix tape. But mostly because the amateurism on the Razorback sideline was so rampant by the last game of the season, it reeked of Karaoke night at the lobby bar in the Holiday Inn. Have you ever seen a guy in a cowboy hat perform Candy by Cameo? Well, I have and it ain’t pretty. Mics should not be passed to anyone. Batons maybe. Torches certainly. The cranberry sauce, by all means. But mics, absolutely not.

Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow (Fleetwood Mac) “Yesterday’s gone… yada, yada, yada.” First off, I loathe this song. Even though I voted for Bill Clinton twice, every time I had to see him come on stage to this inane song, it made me pine for a sax-less Bob Dole presidency. But with that said, at the end of the year, all the Razorback fans had to cling to was tomorrow. P.S. Jeff Long, we’re still clinging. So bring forth the new guy so we can get down to the business of resenting him in true Razorback fashion.

So there is my mix. This season was such a debacle, I’m sure there are any number of tunes that could be added to this list. And I’d love to hear them. So fire away.